I meet many people in my line of work who find themselves in a very intimidating situation (and one that is often not acknowledged) when they attempt to separate from a partner who they believe to be narcissistic and at whose hands they have experienced coercive and controlling behaviour. 

Often when I first meet these clients they tell me that they have been doing a lot of research and that they have realised that their ex-partner is a narcissist. They then proceed to ‘prepare’ me for what is to come, explaining that although outwardly charming and intelligent, their ex will try to manipulate everyone involved in the court process. They’ll often want to put their minds at rest and be convinced that I will be strong enough to ‘fight their corner’. Often people take this view because they feel angry and bewildered at the actions of their ex-partner as soon as they indicate that they wish to separate, and they naturally want to ascribe a label that accurately describes that behaviour. 

There are other clients who I identify early on as having experienced coercive and controlling behaviour at the hands of their partner, and these clients are often in a very delicate state. ‘Coercive control’ is now a criminal offence, which is certainly a step in the right direction in recognising the damage that this behaviour can do. The ongoing problem is that so few people appear to understand what it means, and so it is very often ignored. 

I find myself reflecting that because the label of ‘narcissist’ is bandied about too often, when it is actually applicable and needs to be carefully and sensitively dealt with, it is often dismissed out of hand. 

Narcissist abuse is a form of thought control. The abuser uses specific language designed to manipulate the person on the receiving end. Quite often the abuser uses words to; get their partner to question their own sanity (known as ‘gaslighting’), mistrust those who have historically supported them, make them feel worthless and abandoned, and the list goes on. They are usually not physically violent but instead use coercive control and emotional manipulation to hurt those around them instead. 

Therapists and counsellors say they can often identify people who have been subjected to narcissistic abuse early on, as these people tend to be entirely focussed on their own perceived failures and inadequacies. This perception can be particularly acute in divorce and separation situations. If I suspect that my client has been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, I know that they will need a lot of support through the process. Often, these clients will be professional high achieving women (although both women and men can be abusers). Generally, these women do not view themselves as ‘victims’, but they have often nearly depleted their inner resources just to reach the stage of making the decision to leave their partner. They feel overwhelmed by the process and the decisions required of them. True narcissists tend to fight every issue. They have an overriding desire to win and want to punish their ex-partner, often using their children as weapons, as they view this as the only remaining way of exercising control after separation. 

The narcissist may ensure that their ex-partner has insufficient money to instruct a solicitor and may bring endless applications to exhaust their ex-partner both emotionally and financially. There are remedies for clients in this position and we are sometimes able to obtain an order for costs so that this particular area of vulnerability is neutralised. 

Alternative forms of dispute resolution such as mediation and collaborative law may not work in these cases. The abuser may be very keen to pursue those processes rather than a litigation-based process, as they feel this would enable them to continue their hold over their ex-partner. Cases in which coercive control and controlling behaviour are a feature need to be handled very firmly and proactively. 

Thankfully, the existence of narcissist abuse is starting to be taken seriously and there is support available to help clients during  difficult matrimonial proceedings. 

If you would like to hear more about the issues raised in this article, please contact Louise Barretto on (0)20 7439 8692.